It's time for David Ortiz to retire.

He has two things to do - hit the ball and then run to first.

He isn't hitting the ball and he's never been able to run.

In other words, he isn't doing his job. And when you reach a point in your life where you aren't doing your job anymore, it's time to retire.

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Here are some links:

• Only in Pennsylvania.



• Don't screw with Patty and Don Kearney. They will mess you up.



• Key entry from our favorite police log: "9:44 a.m. A Ridgeway Drive woman reported that people from Shady Lane stole Geoffrey, her five-foot tall stuffed giraffe. The giraffe was returned to its owner."