Let's talk about the dead zone.

As some of you might be aware, there is a dead zone in the Gulf of Mexico. It is an area where there is not enough oxygen in the water to sustain life.

The lack of oxygen is caused by nitrates entering the gulf from the Mississippi River. These nitrates are man-made fertilizers that, as it turns out, algae just love.

They gobble up the nitrates and make a lot of baby algaes which grow into adults, gobble up more nitrates and make more babies. The algaes keep gobbling and having babies and before you know it, there is a little something that scientists call an algae bloom.

It's all those fat, horny algae that deplete the oxygen from the water.

Researchers have been tracking this dead zone for years and much to their surprise, it started growing in the early 21st century. This caused them to do what they do best, which is research why it's growing.

They have come to the conclusion that it is getting larger because more nitrates are entering the gulf.

Lots more nitrates.

That means lots more fat, horny algae.

This got them to thinking about why would there be lots more nitrates entering the Gulf of Mexico and they have come to a conclusion that is probably going to cause the federal government to have a small seizure.

The cause of the increased nitrates is an increase in the amount of fertilizer being used to grow corn.

Why are we suddenly growing more corn? Because the federal government mandated that we grow more corn, that's why we are growing more corn.

You see, the government got it through it's thick head that ethanol was the solution to all of the planets problems. They decided that if we used more ethanol and less gasoline, we would not run out of oil and we would cut down on pollution.

Turns out that in order to keep up with the demand for ethanol, farmers have started planting more corn. They are plowing under huge tracts of land that was previously nothing more than natural grassland that no one was fertilizing.

So now we have millions of additional acres of land being fertilized with nitrogen-based fertilizer and those nitrates are running into all the stream and rivers. Those streams and rivers are in turn running into the Mississippi and then straight into the Gulf of Mexico. This is depleting the oxygen and killing off all life in an area that exceeds 6,000 square miles.

And I'm not just talking about all the dead fish. I'm talking about the livelihood of thousands of people who fish the waters of the gulf in order to support their families.

I guess the federal government isn't always as right about things as they seem to think they are, are they....

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• Key phrase in this story: "...sprayed it with some Mace, thinking it would blind it..."



• Canada, Eh....



• Yes, alcohol was involved.



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