Where is Don Novello when you need him...

The whole "Live from the Vatican: The Resignation of Pope Benedict" thing is all well and good if you're interested in that kind of thing but I gotta tell you, kids these days got it tough. When I was a kid, we had the great Don Novello on Saturday Night Live portraying his alter-ego, Father Guido Sarducci.

There was a guy who knew funny when he saw it. And if it wasn't really funny, he would figure out how to make it really funny.

For those of you who don't know who I'm talking about, let me give you these two quotes from Father Sarducci's website:

On The Last Supper:

It was actually a brunch. The check (discovered by Sarducci himself) reveals that one guy only had a soft-boiled egg and tea, while everyone else stuffed themselves. But when the bill was paid, it was divided equally. The moral: "In groups, always order the most expensive thing."

On The "Missing" Commandments:

There were actually more than ten, but Moses was old and grumpy, and after he broke the tablets he could only remember the negative ones. "Don't do this. Don't do that." The truth is, most of them were more like advice. The Twelfth Commandment, for example, was "Whistle while you work." (People think its from Disney, but Disney stole it from God.)

Trust me, if he was doing television today, we would all be laughing our asses off.

*

Here are some links:

• Best White House petition ever. And by the way, if you'e never gone to the White House petitions web site, you really should visit it and see that we have a lot of crazies living amongst us....



• Welcome to Chicago where not only won't we let you have a gun, we're gonna teach your 5 year old how to have sex.



• It's the continuing story of the amazing "Florida Man"!!!



• It's looking like Crazy Hugo might be joining up with Krazy Kim any day now.

Senioritis

My eldest tells me that he has a bad case of senioritis. After being in college for six years, I can't say that I blame him.

Hell, if I had been in college for six straight years, I'd not only have senioritis, I'd probably also have a raging case of alcoholism.

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Here are a few links you might like:

• It's brain-dead morons like "Florida Man" that give all of us gun owners a bad name.



• This could be cool. I hope that NASA is going to send an observatory to Mars to watch this.



• They found Snookie!!!



• It's only a matter of time before they outlaw those things.

We are fast approaching March.

March is one of those months that is highly unpredictable. You never know what the damned weather is going to do. One day will be a calm, sunny 60° and the next day will be a windy, raw, freezing rain 28°.

I can't wait to see what the terrified little chihuahuas over at the weather channel do with this...

*

My new rig:

So far, things are going okay. I haven't lost it. I haven't forgotten it and I haven't dropped it.

Hopefully things continue this way.

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Links are here:

• Oh great. First they get nuclear weapons and now this...



• Speaking of things that can't possibly end well...



• WE ARE THE FRENCH, you silly American pig-dog. We fart in your general direction.

Let the finger pointing continue!!!

Here's a thought: Am I the only one that thinks the word sequestration sounds an awful lot like castration?

So the federal government is once again locked in the throes of a ideological battle between the republicans and the democrats and before I get too deeply into smearing them both with the bullshit they seem to like to throw around, I would like to point out that they were once the same party.

Now that we are all in agreement that it doesn't matter what party is doing the talking.

But that's not what I came here to tell you. I came here to tell you that the total budget cuts that will come about because of the so-called sequestration is $85,000,000,000.00. That's 85 billion dollars. Out of a budget of $3,700,000,000,000.00. That's 3.7 trillion dollars or 3700 billion dollars.

If you do the math, you will find that 85 billion is about 2 percent of 3700 billion.

I find it kind of interesting that the Obama administration thinks that the 2 percent of the federal government we don't need is the made up mainly of the Food and Drug Administration.

I guess they can't possibly cut anything from the 3 percent of the federal budget that is labeled as "discretionary spending"...

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Here are some links you might like to click on:

• Here's your Naked Guy in the News story.



• Our society has finally reached a level of total idiocy. We need to flush the whole thing and start over again.



• Oh great. Now we have to worry about giant goldfish. What's next? Killer guppies?



• Key phrase in this story: "We suspect fowl play."



• I can't help but wonder if maybe there might be frostbite on some parts that should never get frostbitten...

Sure glad I moved my snow blower....

Once again, the weather channel tried to terrorize us with the fact that we occasionally get snow here in New England.

They failed miserably with their predictions about WINTER STORM Q!!!!

I guess Q stands for Quit.

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The media is having a ball with the pending federal government funding cuts.

They are really pushing the fact that the FDA will furlough (aka, lay off) federal meat inspectors. One news program did a series of "Man on the Street" interviews where everyone they talked to said the same thing, "It frightens me that the food supply may no longer be safe because the republicans want to cut the budget."

In the first place, the democrats had just as much to do with this "sequestration" thing as the republicans did. The only people that think this is a republican thing are morons who fail to actually pay attention to what is going on.

In the second place, why will there be cuts to the FDA's food inspection program, a program that benefits the entire population of the United States? Why won't there be cuts to, oh, I don't know, maybe something that benefits only a small group of people like the free cell phone program?

How come the government, either federal, state or local, always cut the things that the tax payers need yet they never cut the things that the non-taxpayers feel they are entitled too?

Just askin' is all....

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Here are some links:

• I can hear the guards now, "Oh, sorry. We, huh, forgot you was there. Yea, that's it. We forgot."



• Here's your Naked Guy in the News.



• Only in Florida.

It's all Bobby Valentines fault....

The Red Sox lost to the Rays today and I figured I'd be the first to blame it on Bobby Valentine. What the hell, that's what the Red Sox players are going to do.

And speaking of Bobby Valentine, in case you haven't heard, he is now the Athletic Director for Sacred Heart University down in Connecticut.

Good luck to the entire athletic department at the university because it's going to be an interesting ride for them. While I don't think that the Red Sox 2012 season can be blamed on him, I still think he's about as stable as a Parkinson's patient on a tight-rope in February.

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You might find these links interesting:

• Presenting this episodes Brilliant Criminals of the Week.



• Key phrase in this story: "...sneak the fish to Idaho."



• Key phrase in this story: "Vandereyk appeared to be under the influence of drugs or was mentally ill."

No bugs today.

I know that I rant about this quite a bit but hey, it's my website....

Would you live in a society where it's perfectly acceptable, and legal, for a complete stranger to physically accost and molest a young child?

If you don't want to live in that kind of society, you could always contact your state legislator and ask that your state pass a law making it illegal for the federal government to behave like pedophiles.

Or you could move to Kansas, which is what I'm thinking of doing. They seem to be on the right path.

In more ways than one...

*

Okay, I'm done ranting about that for now. Time to watch Gold Rush.

Here's a link:

• Only at Walmart.

Sometimes you're the bug.....

It's an old saying with several well-known variations - Sometimes you're the bug, sometimes you're the windshield. Sometimes you're the bat, sometimes you're the ball. etc....

Today, I was the windshield and I'm still trying to get the bug splatter off. I'm not entirely sure that being the windshield is a good thing but it's definitely better than being the bug.

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These links may entertain and/or educate you:

• Soon my friends, soon....



• Key phrase in this story: "He never explained to officers why he put the clip with four live rounds in the oven"



• Yes, alcohol was involved.



• This should be part of a lot of other sports including, but not limited to, golf, bowling, synchronized swimming, gymnastics, etc... (Turn on the closed captioning.)

Nice relaxing day

After yesterdays marathon with the data transfer, today was a nice relaxing day. I like nice relaxing days. They make the busy days a little more tolerable. The problem is, these nice relaxing days are becoming few and far between.

Maybe when I hit the lottery and I become a gazillionaire I'll be able to retire and have nothing but nice relaxing days.

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Check out these links:

• 'Guy Callahan and a Hatchback Full of Shackled Sheep' would be a fantastic name for a 1950s rock-a-billy band.



• Key phrase in this story: "'Somebody is fixing to go to jail."



• Only in Florida.



• Man, they got an app for everything.



• "Wow Billy, your mom is the Best Mom Ever! Make sure I'm on the invite list for next years party!"

Really Long Day

So the new laptop showed up this afternoon and I spent quite a bit of time synching it up with all my network drives. Once is was synched up, I was able to actually finish up some work and I didn't get home until late.

What all that means is that you get a Short Post.

*

Here's a few links:

• Only in Florida (Brilliant Father of the Month)...



• Apparently North Dakota is a bit wilder than I thought...



• They hold some tough bingo games in New Hampshire.

One more day off.

Today is the day we celebrate our Presidents.

It used to be Washington's Birthday but President Richard "TrickyDick" Nixon decided we should celebrate all Presidents, not just the first one. We also used to celebrate Lincoln's Birthday but we eliminated his birthday at the same time we eliminated Washington's.

Now we celebrate all Presidents equally, including such well-known presidents as William Henry Harrison who served as president for 30 whole days before dying of pneumonia or something like that, Millard Filmore, who took over after Zachary Taylor died of some gastro-intestinal disease, and of course, Gerald Ford, the guy who fell down more airplane stairs than any other human being in history and probably should have died from all those falls.

But that's not what I came here to tell you....

I wanted to tell you that my new favorite television commercial is the Honda Presidents Day sale commercial.

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Today is my eldest offspring's birthday so if you happen to see him, tell him I said Happy Birthday.

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You might like these links:

• Key phrase in this story: "...took him to the Via Christi Hospital on St. Francis emergency room, where she dropped him off and left."



• Only in Florida.



• And this my friends, is the real problem. It's the old, "The more they repeat the lie, the more it becomes true."

I can't figure it out either.

Regarding yesterday picture of the Red Sox pitchers -  No, I can't figure out why Alfredo Aceves is still with the Red Sox. The man might be able to pitch but he's a raving lunatic. He was actually suspended for three games last season for his behavior.

*

My daughter has successfully completed the drive back to her institute of higher education. We anxiously await her return in three weeks for March break.

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You can check out these links if you would like:

• And the winner of the Mom of the Month contest is.....



• What the hell is a "firewood specialist"?



• Researchers: Contributing to the betterment of our society or a complete waste of perfectly good oxygen? We report, you decide.



• In case you've forgotten, the Japanese are the craziest people on the planet.



• Only in Alabama.



• Here's your Naked Guy in the News story.

Just one breakfast this morning.

I was planning on getting my haircut this morning but then I discovered that Tom Caron was doing a two hour broadcast from Jet Blue Park in Fort Meyers.

I decided that it was more important for my skills to be available to the new manager via my special coaching TV than it was for me to get my haircut.

April 1st is right around the corner and they need all the help they can get...

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Did I mention that one of our offspring is home for the weekend? Our daughter decided that since she had Friday off, she would come home, get a couple of mom-cooked meals, play with the Dog and cats and get some sleep in her own bed.

And we are always happy when she makes those kinds of decisions.

*

Here are some links for you:

• Key entry in our favorite police blotter: "9:37 a.m. An intoxicated man on Highway 35 in Kalispell called in with vague concerns about his fiancée’s whereabouts."



• We don't pay cops enough...



• Nancy Pelosi is insane. Next words out of her mouth are probably going to be, "Let them eat cake!"



• The title says it all.

It's FlapJack Friday!

I had two breakfasts this morning. That is not unusual for me because I always have two breakfasts. I usually eat some fruit at 7:30 and then around 8:30 or 9:00, I go have some oatmeal.

This morning, the company I work for bought us all breakfast. That means I went to the cafeteria at 7:15 and had some pancakes with fruit. Then at 9:00, I went down and had some scrambled eggs and sausage. This is known to readers of The Hobbit as breakfast and second breakfast.

Now I realize that having two breakfasts is probably what is contributing to my increase in girth but I don't care. I like the idea that the company I work for thinks enough of it's employees to buy us breakfast every once-in-a-while.

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You might want to visit these links:

• About 13 seconds into this video, the shock wave arrives.



• He might have led a less-than-stellar life but Mr. Maurice Harris made up for it in the end. He is a posthumous member of the A-Team. Thankfully, Florida has the death penalty.



• All I can think of is the line from Crocodile Dundee: "That's not a knife. THIS is a knife..."



• Oops.



• One day, dogs will rise up against us....

Talk about a crappy vacation.

I've been reading all the stories about those 4,000 people stuck on that cruise ship and one thing keeps coming to mind - the part about pooping in plastic bags and leaving it in the hallway.

I'm pretty sure if I was on a ship in the middle of an ocean, I could find something better to do with the human waste. Has it not occurred to any of them to just toss it into the ocean?

I realize that's probably not something that the "friends of the ocean" would appreciate but the lets face it, a couple million gallons of crude oil was flushed into the Gulf recently so I don't think a few thousand gallons of pee and crap is going to do any more damage than has already been done.

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Enjoy these couple of links:

• Only at a Walmart.



• I bet there are a lot of "cops and donuts" jokes being told in that town.

Year after year.

Every year, the Red Sox run a raffle. They raffle off the opportunity to purchase particular seats at Fenway during the season. The first raffle was to have the opportunity to purchase opening day seats. The second raffle was to have the opportunity to purchase Green Monster seats and the third raffle is to purchase Right Deck Roof Top seats.

I enter these raffles every year because, hey, if I can buy tickets to a game without taking out a second mortgage, it's worth it.

So anyways, once again, I didn't win.

But that's not what I'm writing about. What I'm writing about is this line from the email they sent me:

"Unfortunately your entry was not selected for this ticket purchase opportunity."

Think about that for a minute.

This is a business that is doing so well, they can raffle off the right to buy something from them. That would be like General Motors raffling off the right to buy a car from them.

That's a hell of a business model....

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Here are some links:

• I really like Judge John Hurley. Someone should give him his own TV show.



• Sometimes, the existing gun laws work just fine.



• You gotta love the honking of the horn.

Amazingly enough, I have no water in my basement.

I was expecting to find a few inches of water in my basement as the snow started melting but so far, nothing. I hope the same is true for you but all this water has to be going somewhere and since the ground is frozen, I'm thinking it must be going in to your basement.

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The President is giving his State of the Union speech this evening. He's going to say things like:

• "Newtown...."
• "Thanks to our efforts, the economy is making great strides towards a full recovery and more" Americans are going back to work."
• "The war in Irtaq is over and the war in Afghanistan is winding down."
• "Guns bad, healthcare good."
• "Chicago has some of the strictest gun laws but the highest murder rate."

Wait, he's probably not going to say that last one.

To be honest with you, I won't be watching his speech. I've always thought the State of the Union speech is nothing more than an hour of lies being told by a guy who earns a living lying to us. It's got nothing to do with democrats or republicans, it's always the same - lie, lie, lie.

The only State of the Union that was ever any good was the one where Nancy Pelosi kept leaping up from her seat and applauding wildly. It was like watching a deranged weasel getting shocked in the ass and really loving it.

Someone let me know if Boehner falls asleep in background.

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Try these links if you are so inclined:

• Yet another reason for me to not like tomatoes...



• Either Officer Battista should go to the range more often or Mr. Mecteau should thank Officer Battista every day for the remainder of his drug-adled life. I would have put four straight through the drivers side of the windshield.



• Yes, alcohol was involved.



• As I may have mentioned the other day, it's the start of the baseball season....

Really Short Post

Nothing to say so I'm going to leave you with these links:

• Meet Terry Miracle, the newest member of the A-Team.



• If this is what your mug shot looks like, you really are a full blown flea and I'm pretty sure no one likes you.



• If you don't like bats, don't click here.

And so it begins.

Tomorrow morning, pitchers and catchers will report to their various spring training facilities.

They will start with some conditioning exercises and a little soft toss. At first, the pitchers will throw to the catchers while standing around. Nothing hot, just a couple of guys tossing a baseball around. They will do this for a few days and by Thursday, when the rest of the team arrives at the park, they will start throwing from the mound.

This ritual has gone on for quite some time and it signifies the start of that wonderful time of the year we call baseball season.

It's a time when young men gather on a field of green grass & tan clay on sunny days. They will smack the leather of their gloves and maybe, if no one is looking, they'll stick the glove up to their face and inhale deeply because there is nothing that smells quite like a worn baseball glove.

At some point, a very official looking guy will yell "Play Ball!" and point at the pitcher. The young men will then spend three hours playing a game that they have played their entire life. They will try to hit a 3 inch sphere traveling at 90 mph using a cylindrical wooden tube that is 2 1/4 inch in diameter. They will catch the sphere using a specially manufactured glove made entirely of either cow or kangaroo leather.

They will try to advance through four points along a diamond without being touched by the sphere and they will try to get the sphere to the point nearest the runner to prevent him from reaching it.

They will laugh with, and at, each other. They will berate themselves when they screw up and they will thump their chests when they do well. They will run, slide, jump, throw, hit and catch with a skill that has been honed for, on average, 20 years.

And when it is all done, they will go home, get some sleep and do it all over again the next day.

In case you don't know this, I love this time of the year.

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Here are some links that you may, or may not, enjoy:

• Key phrase in this story: "It cannot hit earth."



• Fortunately they aren't called The Bakersfield Grizzly Bears.



• If you have arachnophobia, don't go to Brazil.

We are now unhunkered and debattened.

So we ended up with about 20-22 inches of snow. Thanks to The Beast, it only took me about an hour to clear my driveway, my mailbox, a path to my shed and half my backyard so The Dog had a latrine.

It's tough poopin' when you're only 30 inches tall and there's 22 inches of snow on the ground.

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You can visit these links:

• Oh great, just what we need, flying squid. If they figure out how to use guns, we're never gonna get anymore calamari.



• Never ask to borrow his cell phone....



• While I'm pretty sure she is deserving of a good beating, I can't help but think to myself that those things are damned expensive and losing one is a real kick in the teeth.



• Yoga vs. Drunk.

Hunker Down??

Since there was only about an inch of snow in my yard at 4:00 this afternoon, I decided that I wasn't frightened enough. I flipped on the weather channel in time to hear a talking head actually say the words, "You should hunker down".

WTF????

This is not World War II and I am not sitting in a slit-trench or a fox-hole trying to avoid becoming the target of enemy fire. This is not Oklahoma and I am not sitting in a storm shelter during a tornado outbreak. This is not Mobile, Alabama and I am not waiting for a category 5 hurricane to make landfall.

Who the hell says "hunker down" when talking about a light snow? The idiots at the weather channel, that's who. These are the same morons who are calling this "Winter Storm Nemo!" (in an excited voice with a slight echo). And our state government is agreeing with these idiots.

Our Esteemed Governor, Deval "What I lack in height I more than make up for in arrogance" Patrick declared a state of emergency at 4:00pm today and called out the national guard. Then they put the bullshit icing on this gigantic paranoia cake with this:

Posted on: February 8, 2013

** Driving Ban in Place Starting at 4 PM **
All motorists MUST be off the roads except for public safety and public works workers, government officials conducting official business, utility workers, healthcare workers who must travel to provide essential, news media. Travel also is allowed if necessary to maintain and deliver critical private sector services such as energy, fuel supplies and delivery, financial systems and the delivery of critical commodities, or to support business operations that provide critical services to the public, including gasoline stations, food stores and hardware stores. Motorists must use their best judgment in determining if travel is permitted under an exception to the ban. Law enforcement is being asked to interpret the exceptions broadly; the objective is to limit traffic as much as possible while allowing critical public and private sector services and functions to use the roads as necessary. Do not call 9-1-1 about the travel ban, phone lines are needed for emergency calls.
[Executive Order No. 543]

Kurt Schwartz
Undersecretary, Homeland Security & Emergency Management
Director, Massachusetts Emergency Management Agency
Massachusetts Executive Office of Public Safety and Security

Is the state government telling me that I'm not allowed to drive when there is one inch of snow on the ground? Is that what they are telling me? Because if that's the case, no one in this state is going to get anything done between the months of October and April ever again.

And in case you didn't notice, that is an executive order issued during a state of emergency. That means you can be arrested if you are deemed to be in violation.

Has everyone lost their freaking minds?

If I wake up tomorrow morning to 24 inches of snow, I'll be shocked. Shock I tell ya.

If I wake up tomorrow morning to 12 inches of snow, I won't be the least bit surprised or annoyed. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure that is what I'm going to find when I wake up tomorrow.

If I wake up tomorrow morning to 4 inches of snow, I'm gonna call up our esteemed Governor and ask him how that state of emergency thing is working out for him. Then I'm going to laugh at him and hang up the phone.

*

While I'm trying to figure out what the hell happened to our species collective fortitude and testicles, you can click on these links:

• Presenting this episodes Brilliant Criminal of the Month.



• Apparently our government isn't the only one that is screwed up.



• Good job there congress....

You can never have enough milk and batteries...

According to the Weather Channel (motto: Panic early, panic often), there is a potential for 8 feet of snow. It's going to be devastating and we're all going to die.

According to the National Weather Service, there is a potential for 12 to 16 inches of snow. It will also be a little windy and we should plan on some snow drifts.

My money is on the National Weather Service. And I gotta tell you, if we can't handle 12 to 16 inches of snow, we're pretty pathetic.

Oh, and the milk and batteries comment was a cheap shot at all the people flooding the grocery stores buying milk, bread and batteries.

*

Having said that, I'm about as prepared as I can be. I have plenty of gasoline for the snow blower & generator, we have a well-stocked pantry & freezer and we have a 60 pound bag of food for The Dog.

If we need anything else, I'll just wait until they plow the roads and drive to the store to get it.

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You can click on these links:

• Only at a Walmart in Florida.



• Man, they got some weird tolls in Canada.



• I'm developing a real respect for Judge John Hurley.

It's about damned time.

The US Postal Service (motto: We're like a money tree for all other government services!) announced today that they would cease delivery of residential first class mail on Saturdays. The move is designed to save money for a service that is being pushed to financial ruin by the federal government.

And when I say "saving money", I mean "laying people off during a recession".

Has anyone told President Obama that the post office is going to lay people off?

His "job recovery" numbers are gonna take a hit because of this.

Maybe he should tell the other government services to get stop front loading their retirement funds from the revenue stream generated by the post office.

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Links are here:

• Meet the latest member of the A-Team.



• I wonder if she had a permit....



• Chris sends us this example of how to end up in jail without really trying.

I've gone back to the darkside.

In the 1990s, my company required that I have a laptop because I travelled a bit. Well, actually, I travelled a lot. Like 'three weeks out of the month' a lot

I got to see most of this country by flying first-class to a destination, staying at a very nice hotel and eating expensive meals that I charged to my expense account. It was a great gig for a year or two but I got really sick & tired of the fact that the only conversations I was having with my wife was over the phone and my kids, who were babies at the time, were growing up without me.

I also realized I was traveling too much when I checked into a hotel one night in Los Angeles by saying, "Is this Chicago? Is this the Embassy Suites? Do I have a reservation here?" The answer was, "Yes, this is the Embassy Suites and yes, you do have a reservation here. It's the same room we give you every time you stay with us. But no, this is not Chicago, it's Los Angeles. We're much warmer and sunnier than Chicago."

Anyways, sometime in the late 1990s, I'd had enough and I said no more travel. My company agreed and I said, "Can I get rid of this laptop now? Can I get a nice little desktop that I don't have to lug around?"

So ever since then, I've had a desktop computer and I've been pretty damned happy with it.

The problem is that my current desktop needs to be replaced. It's old and it's reached the point where it needs to be rebooted several times a day and during those periods of the day when it is running, it's running really slowly.

I took a walk down to see my buddies in the personal computing department and had a talk with them about what was new, what was good and what did they think I should do. They immediately, and in unison, recommended the newest little laptop.

So it looks like I'm going back to lugging around a laptop. Of course, this new one doesn't weigh very much and it's kinda small so I guess the word "lugging" might not apply.

My boss and coworkers have welcomed me back to the darkside but I made it clear that I still have no desire to travel. Let the people who like having frequent flyer miles do the traveling. I'll stay right here in my comfortable little house eating home-cooked meals, talking with my wife and petting my dog.

*

Here are a few links that can be visited:

• I wonder why no one is protesting this? If this happened when Bush was President, there would be all kinds of tree-huggers camped out in front of his home chanting and banging on prayer drums. I guess it's because the republicans piss off people who have nothing better to do but protest and the democrats piss off people who are too busy working for a living to protest.



• Not sure I agree with the phone but everything else is unchanged.



• Chef Swaggers Brown Gravy!!

Long Day = Short Post

Actually, it wasn't a long day, I just don't feel like typing.

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Here are a few links you can enjoy:

• I'm not entirely sure why they need Duct Tape....



• Here's your Naked Guy in the News story.



• Pfffttt... You see this kind of thing on the Mass Pike all the time...

Only two FAFSAs this year

It seems to me that all we do in February is fill out forms for the government. Yesterday it was taxes and today it's the FAFSA. Last year, we had to do three FAFSAs so this year is a little easier.

For those of you that have never filled out a FAFSA, trust me, it's not a lot of fun. It's not quite as hard as doing taxes but it still sucks. And in our case, I'm not sure it really helps.

You see, both my wife and I are gainfully employed which means the government is convinced that we don't need any breaks when it comes to higher education. The government doesn't care that we have three in college. All the government cares about is did we pay our taxes.

Seems like the government wants all of my money so they can give it to people who aren't me.

And that, my friends, might explain why most of us don't like the people that aren't us.

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Enjoy these links:

• It was a nice try though.....



• Only in Florida.



• Wait. Isn't this what the government laughed at when the NRA suggested it last month?

We just finished doing our taxes.

Now I understand what drove Joe Stack to do what he did.

We are screwed.

And when I say screwed, I'm not talking your basic low-level, run-of-the-mill screwed. No sir, I'm talking about your I dropped the soap in a crowded prison shower screwed.

I would really like to know what the federal government is giving me in return for all the money I give them.

*

Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow this morning. Do you know what that means? It means it was cloudy in western Pennsylvania this morning, that's what it means.

Then again, according to Wikipedia, the damned ground hog has a 40% accuracy rate. I'm thinking that is probably a better rate than the National Weather Service.

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I managed to walk away from the taxes long enough to find these links:

• Yes, alcohol was involved. (We don't pay cops enough money...)



• Only in Florida.



• For those of you who think Mr. Rogers is a saint, think again.

In case you're wondering, I didn't hit the lottery.

Despite the fact that I actually went and bought a ticket, I just can't seem to implement my "hit the lottery and retire" plan.

I don't understand. It's a simple plan:

1. Buy a lottery ticket.


2. Win the lottery.


3. Collect the winnings.


4. Retire in style on some nice Caribbean island.

So far, I haven't made it past step one.

*

You can visit these links:

• Only in Massachusetts (and New York).



• Attention offspring: When it comes time for you to pick my nursing home, please keep this one in mind.



• 23 years?