You want to know how bad things are?

It's so bad that I'm kind of hoping that John Lackey might recover enough to make a start.

That's how bad things are....

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Not much in the news today so how about you just go click on these links:

• Key phrase in this story: "It was kind of like a waterslide."



• Presenting this episode Brilliant Criminal of the Month.



• Only in Florida.



• 'Giant African Land Snail' would be a great name for a 1990s boy-band band.



• They might have better luck with Barry White and a nice bottle of ripple.