Time for a little public service.

There four candidates in the race for President of the United States. They are:

• Republican: Trump/Pence
• Democrat: Biden/Harris
• Green: Hawkins/Walker
• Libertarian: Jorgensen/Cohen

Now, I'm not here to tell you who to vote for, that is your business. No sir, I'm here to tell you who I will probably vote for. So let's get to the reasoning, shall we.

Trump: Nope. Not gonna happen. I didn't vote for him the first time and I won't vote for him this time. He's a back-stabbing, self-centered, delusional, arrogant slum-lord who lacks even the most basic human decency. In other words, I think he's a jerk.

Biden: Nope. Not gonna happen. When he was Vice President, I used to think that Obama woke up every morning and yelled into the hallway, "What the hell did that idiot say last night that I have to correct today?" He says things that indicate to me that he was dropped on his head as a child.

Hawkins: Given that I won't be voting for Trump or Biden, I have to pick someone else and it won't be "Howie" Hawkins. He wants everyone to ride a bike and churn their own butter.

Jorgenson: Maybe but only because her VP running mate is named Spike. I think having a guy named Spike as the VP would be kinda funny.

Write-In: Me. Maybe I'll just write my own name in. Maybe you should write me in too. Why not? I'm just as screwed up as the rest of them but I at least know what it's like to work for a living while raising three kids and keeping a roof over our heads.

Thus ends my public service for the voters. Good luck trying to figure out who you are going to vote for. If you already know, good for you.

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Yes, I will watch some of the baseball game tonight but I'm not rooting for either one. This world series is like this presidential election - I dislike both teams.

But before I settle into the game, I need to make some dinner and catch up on some Last Man Standing DVRs.

You can check these out if you want:

• Only in the Florida Keys.



• Key entry from our favorite police log: 12:08 p.m. A pig reported to be “pretty friendly” was on the loose near a fast food restaurant..



• Even I know that this is a terrible idea.



• This is the perfect metaphor for this election. It also is full of shit.



• This is the kind of thing that happens when you force people to role-play.



• Pumpkins that look like butts.