Allow me to present you with an updated "Adult Book of Rules":
- Driving below the speed limit is just as annoying, and dangerous, as driving above the speed limit.
- If the sign says "No Dogs Allowed", it means all dogs, including your precious little rat-dog or your lovable, boisterous, uncontrollable yellow lab. I realize you consider yourself a "pet parent" and you think your dog is a precious child but it's not, it's a dog. It thinks like a dog, it acts like a dog and it shits like a dog.
- If the sign says "12 items or less" and you show up with a carriage filled with 20 or 30 items, you deserve to be hit in the face with a 2x4.
- Someone went through a lot of time and expense to paint all those lines on the parking lot. If you don't park between those lines, your car should be towed...
To a junkyard...
In another city. - If you want your constitutional rights to remain intact, don't fly on a commercial airline. Air travel is stressful enough as it is and having some moron ranting about constitutional rights while passing through security just makes it worse for all of us. It is in your best interest to shut up, get on the plane and sit down in your seat so that we can all get to where we want to be with as little fuss as possible.
- When you are 20, you look good in spandex. When you are 50, you don't look good in spandex. Stop wearing it.
- Take a bath or shower and brush your teeth on a regular basis. Humans stink and no one wants to be standing next to you while you are emitting stink rays like Pepe' Le Pew.
- The more you tell someone they can't do something, the more they want to do it. It's human nature. Your best bet is to mind your own damned business and don't tell people what to do. This includes all of you "woke" people who think the rest of us are morons for not seeing how terrible [insert your particular injustice/cause here] is.
- Take a deep breath before you speak. This not only relaxes you, it gives you a second to think about what you want to say and will hopefully stop you from saying something stupid like, "Holy crap Doris! Are you pregnant or just really fat?"
- Your mom and dad weren't wrong when they stopped you from doing stupid teenager things. Maybe you should tell them that and then thank them for keeping you alive long enough to reach adulthood.
- According to the Declaration of Independence, you have certain unalienable rights, among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That means it is not the government's job, my job or anyone else's job to make you happy, it is your job to make yourself happy by pursuing that happiness.
- Being a tree-hugger, a Jehovah Witness, a concerned liberal democrat or a watchful conservative republican is a choice that you made for yourself. Don't preach to me about your choice because to be honest with you, I don't care. As a matter of fact, get the hell off my porch before I poke you with a sharp stick.
- If you are going to make a left hand turn on a busy street, try to move over to the left side of the travel lane so that the rest of us have a chance of getting by you on the right.
- If you are rich, be generous and gracious. If you are poor, just be gracious. If you are neither rich nor poor, don't act like you are either. It's annoying and it makes you sound like an ass.
- You don't know everything. Only Cliff Clavin knows everything and trust me, you don't want to be like Cliff Clavin.
- Save things that you think you might need but remember that if you save everything, you are one of those crazy hoarder people and you should go see a shrink.
- Some people aren't very bright and no amount of education, cajoling, lecturing or talking is going to change that. It's just the way it is. And just because they are dumb doesn't make them bad. Some of the nicest people I know have to be reminded to inhale every once in a while.
- If you are on a plane and the flight attendant tells you to wear a mask, do it and shut the hell up. If you argue, get belligerent and then decide to take a swing at the attendant, expect to be hogtied with duct tape and left to stew in your own sweat & piss until the plane lands.
- If you pick and choose what information you will agree with, expect to be wrong most of the time. Be willing to recognize that a "belief" is not factual, it is an opinion. Having said that, if you decide to not get vaccinated against the current coronavirus, there is a good chance you will die a horrible death by suffocation and the rest of us will not be overly sympathetic about your passing.
I would like to put particular emphasis on Rule #1 by adding, "Get the hell out of everybody's way fer' cripes sake..."
No baseball tonight so I guess it's time to start plowing through all of those Last Man Standing DVRs that are taking up all the space on my machine.
You can go visit these links if you want:
- Ladies and Gentlemen: The President of the United States...
- Here are several excellent entries from our favorite police log.
- Thank goodness they were wearing seatbelts.
- Dogs: Not all of them are dumb.
- My kids are going to live forever.
- I gotta be honest with you, I think "Who Gives A Crap" is a great name for a toilet paper company.
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