Since we don't want to relive it, let's just look back on it and pray to whatever gods you pray to that they've had enough entertainment and it's time to let us get back to being human again:
January
- Alex Cora got fired as manager of the Red Sox because it turns out he was the mastermind behind the Astro's "Trash Can Bangers" cheating scandal.
- The Democrats decided that since they couldn't beat Trump in a fair fight, they would impeach him and have him thrown out of office.
- Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs beat Jimmy Garoppolo and the San Francisco 49ers in the Superb Owl. Tom Brady had no comment.
February
- Turns out the democrats can't even beat Trump in an unfair fight and he was acquitted of all impeachment charges against him.
- In an effort to have their worst season ever, the Red Sox traded Mookie Betts to the Dodgers. They also announced that Ron Roenicke would be the manager. This led to a collective, "Who?" from the fan-base.
- Not to be outdone by the sudden announcement of a pandemic, the stock market crashed and my retirement account lost almost 9% of its value.
March
- Despite her deep-seated belief that she is popular all over the country, Lizzy Warren discovered that she isn't even all that popular in her own state when she lost the Massachusetts Primary, coming in a distant third to Biden and Sanders. She did, however, beat late-arriver Mike Bloomberg and all of the "Withdrawn" candidates
- The entire world pretty much closed up shop and sent everyone home because of the 'rona. For the record, it was necessary but it still sucked.
- We learned very quickly that there are a lot of scumbags in our world when people bought all of the toilet paper they could get their hands on and started selling it on ebay for 5 times what they paid for it. "Toilet Paper Hoarder" became a new insult.
- Tom Brady decided he'd had enough of the cold New England winters and he left Foxborough, MA for the much warmer climate of Tampa Bay, FL. This caused a lot of "TB12" fanboys to have a breakdown, crawl into a corner and start rocking back & forth while sucking their thumbs.
- In an effort to really make the first quarter of 2020 as miserable as possible, my retirement account continued to decline rapidly, ending the month down almost 40%
April
- Because the year wasn't bad enough, we found that we could no longer watch our faithful companion suffer any longer and we made the decision to ease his pain. Kirby was a great dog and I still miss him.
- Researchers discovered the first written use of the "F" word. It was a school paper written by a Scottish student who was in lockdown during the plague. I think we can all agree that using the "F" word during a pandemic is appropriate.
- The word "covidiot" entered our lexicon.
- We all started working from home. At first, I thought it would be terrible but turns out I was wrong. It's actually a good thing when your morning commute is 15 steps from the kitchen to a spare bedroom turned office.
- The Great Horned Owl population in my backyard increased by 4 when we discovered first a single and then three more hatchlings hanging out in the trees behind our house.
- Trump, trying to show us he was a real scientific genius, suggested that we could beat the 'rona by injecting a disinfectant into our veins. This caused the company Reckitt Benckiser, the manufacturer of Lysol, to issue the following statement:
- We must be clear that under no circumstance should our disinfectant products be administered into the human body (through injection, ingestion or any other route).
May
- My daughter completed her education and was awarded the degree "Doctor of Veterinary Medicine". This was cause for celebration but thanks to the 'rona, we weren't allowed to celebrate. Hell, we weren't even allowed to attend a graduation ceremony and instead, we clustered around our respective laptops and watched a video of the university president reading all the graduate names. But that didn't matter. What mattered is that my little girl achieved a childhood dream and I am, as always, the proud dad.
- Due to the decrease in demand, most colleges and universities began to see a decline in incoming students. This caused a lot of them to layoff faculty and staff. The college I work for was not immune to this and I was informed that I could take a layoff or remain on the payroll in a part-time status. After several minutes of deep thought, I said, "Sure, I'll go part time. That sounds like a good thing to me"
- Some states began to lift some 'rona restrictions and for the first time in a long time, I was able to get my hair cut.
- Jolee Rieffel released this year's mega-hit song I Wonder What's Inside Your Butthole. We anxiously await her next album
June
- We began dealing with a drought. It wasn't fun for my lawn or my new freshly-planted young trees.
- In direct violation of constitutional law, Trump threatened to use the US military to quell riots. This caused legal-beagels all over the country to have minor brain aneurysms and they all wrote lengthy documents explaining why this was probably the dumbest idea anyone has ever come up with. Then they were reminded about the whole, "Inject yourself with Lysol" idea and they all calmed down because despite the idiocy displayed by our president, this particular idea was not actually the dumbest one he'd ever had.
July
- In a display of his incredible genius and his ability to predict the future, Trump announced that the upcoming election would be corrupt.
- Major League Baseball began a shortened 60-game season. As far as this writer was concerned, the Red Sox were woefully unprepared for this season.
- Gary Larson announced that he was once again creating The Far Side cartoons and he would be releasing new ones on whatever schedule he felt like. In a year filled with shitty news, this was a bright, shiny gem.
- The Sisters (Cat1 and Cat2) came to live with us. I immediately found myself mumbling things like, "'Get cats!' they said, 'It'll be fun!' they said." Turns out it is kinda fun and they are entertaining as hell.
- My lawn finally gave up the ghost, turned a nice deep brown and the drought won. Two of the young trees managed to do okay but one of the young trees did not do well at all. It lost all of its leaves and went into a deep hibernation. At least I hope it went into a hibernation...
August
- I became a grandpa to the happiest little guy on the planet.
- Isaias came rumbling up the coast and knocked out our power for three days. Fortunately, I have a generator and plenty of gasoline.
- The college announced that all faculty and staff were required to have periodic covid tests. I had my first test and it came back negative. Every test I've had since then has come back negative. I am a negative guy.
September
- The Bruins lost in the weirdest series of round-robin playoffs I've ever seen.
- The airport I fly out of reopened and I was able to go flying with an instructor.
- The 2020 Red Sox looked like the 1983 Red Sox. They sucked.
- The drought began to ease and my lawn began to show signs of life.
October
- Trump got the 'rona but since he has his own private fleet of helicopters, his own private hospital and a staff of physicians on call in the same building he lives in, he was able to get immediate care.
- Trump proclaims himself cured of the 'rona and spends the next four days strutting around like a peacock showing us how manly is because he survived a virus thanks to the fact that he received medical care not available to all of us little people.
- Cam Newton got the 'rona. He still sucked as the Patriots quarterback but at least now he had an excuse.
- My daughter passed the boards and received her license to practice veterinary medicine. There was much rejoicing.
- The Dodgers won the World Series and Dave Roberts was able to keep his job as their manager.
November
- Massachusetts re-instituted some of the 'rona restrictions. This resulted in a large increase in the number of television commercials telling us to download an app that would help us get over our 'rona-induced depression.
- Joe Biden wins the 2020 presidential election and is elected the 46th President of the United States. Proving that he is at least a little bit smarter than Trump, Kanye West conceded to Biden.
- In order to make it look like his July prediction has come true, Trump says Biden didn't win the election, it's all a big scam, and he refuses to concede. To the rest of the world our country starts to look like a Monty Python skit. Trump will never admit defeat and I'm really hoping that four guys wearing dark sunglass & black suits unceremoniously toss him out of the White House onto Pennsylvania Ave on January 20th.
- The Red Sox announce that they have rehired Alex Cora as the team manager. There is no word yet if they will be replacing the metal trash cans with plastic trash bags.
- One of the great moments of live television happens when Rudy Giuliani schedules a press conference at what he thinks is The Four Seasons Hotel but is really Four Seasons Landscaping. He holds the press conference in the parking lot, in front of a large green garage door, right next door to Fantasy Island Adult Book Store which, by the way, was holding a sale called "Dildo Madness!"
- Another great moment of live television happens when Rudy holds a press conference at RNC headquarters and starts sweating so heavily that his hair dye (or whatever it is) begins to run down the side of his face on live television. I'm telling you folks, you can't make this shit up. That crazy Rudy, he makes for some pretty entertaining television shows.
December
- Despite being down almost 40% earlier in the year, my retirement account rebounds nicley and as the year comes to a close, it is up almost 20% for the year. This makes me very happy.
- William Barr, in his bid to become the next Trump ex-employee, announced that the Justice Department found no evidence of election fraud.
- After several lengthy meetings with his boss, William Barr suddenly announced that he was resigning as attorney general at the end of December, thus becoming the latest trump ex-employee.
- Twitter announced that it was probably going to ban Donald Trump after he leaves office. This move will force the late night talk show comedians to look elsewhere for their comedic fodder.
This completes my year in review offering. I'm sure I've missed some things and I'm sure I screwed something up but that's okay. None of what I write is important or ground-shaking. As a matter of fact, most of what I write is drivel.
Well, it's New Years Eve and every one is anxiously awaiting the end of this shithole of a year.
We plan on remaining in our happy little bubble, eating too much food, maybe drinking a bit and watching whatever virtual ball-drops are on television. I hope you all have a good night.
If you need something to do, start by clicking on these links:
- Only in Florida.
- Trust me, you do not want to do this. Chicken coops stink like nothing you've ever experienced.
- Key phrase in this story: "...residents were delighted by the unexpected visitor."
- Turns out the bomb maker in Nashville might have been a bit more sophisticated than originally thought.
- Key entry from our favorite police log: "6:10 p.m. A Hungry Horse woman whose TV was not working thought it could be unplugged. Dispatch asked her to call back tomorrow with an update.."
- I can't imagine what it must be like to stumble across some human heads just laying around in the desert.
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